Friday 24 December 2010

TripAdvisor attacked over 'out of date' reviews

A version of this story appeared in Travel Trade Gazette on 10 November 2010

In a heated session at WTM, TripAdvisor's head of sales for Europe, Martin Verdon-Roe, faced questions from hoteliers concerned about old and "fake" reviews appearing on the site.

"The Social Revolution" session veered away from social media in the question and answer session, and Jes Paine, managing director of Hospitality Travel and Leisure Management, asked Verdon-Roe to justify why hotel reviews that were eight to 10-years-old were allowed to remain on the site.

"These reviews still tell a story", said Verdon-Roe. "Travellers want to understand how hotels perform over time – that is part of their research process."

TripAdvisor started in 2000, and reviews posted at any date since then still appear on the site, although Verdon-Coe stressed that reviews are ranked and ordered according to what the site's users have shown that they find useful and relevant.

Speaking exclusively to TTG after the session, Paine said: "Reviews that are years old are a nonsense.

"This is something TripAdvisor could control, and they could really make their reviews a lot more relevant.

"Reviews that are even one year old are irrelevant. Any good business tries to change problems that are highlighted to them within a month, so old reviews are irrelevant."

Earlier in the session a representative of Harmony Resorts asked Verdon-Roe what was being done about "fake reviews", saying they were "getting annoying".

In response Verdon-Roe said TripAdvisor was "constantly trying to work and improve", before going on to sing the praises of TripAdvisor's Owners' Centre, which opened in 2009 and "gives hoteliers a forum to talk to us" about reviews they suspect of being fake.

Speaking to TTG after the session, Verdon-Roe said: "There are a lot of processes to catch people writing fake reviews.

"People have to be registered TripAdvisor users in order to write reviews, and our users will highlight reviews that might be fake for us.

"They will send us a message and if we believe the review to be fake it will be removed.
TripAdvisor is currently facing the prospect of a group defamation from online reputation company KwikChex.com over businesses being damaged by “false allegations” and “misrepresentation”.

Basque cuisine highlighted at Spanish Tourist Office evening

Originally published on ttglive.com on 22 October 2010
Three Michelin-starred Basque country chefs cooked up a culinary storm for 250 guests of the Spanish Tourist Office at London’s Wallace Collection last night.

Andoni Luis Aduriz, Martin Berasategui and Pedro Subijana hold eight Michelin stars between them and provided a showcase of Basque food that included prawns with flambeed orujo liqueur, caramalised millefeuille of foie gras with smoked eel, and grey clay baked potatoes.

Juan Mari Arzak, who has three Michelin stars, wasn’t present but contributed his baby squid broth to the evening.

Basque cuisine has developed a reputation for creativity, with new Basque chefs using pioneering techniques, and the food at the Wallace Collection was served in a similarly innovative style.

The clay baked potatoes were made to look like pebbles on a sandy beach; waiters wore sandwich boards decked with anchovy, olive and chilli tasters; and a gazpacho-style soup was served in plastic medicine bottles.

Gastronomy attracts 5.5 million people to Spain each year and has been a key focus for the country in 2010.

The Spanish Tourist Board said: “We hope that this collaboration will further help promote the Basque country and its fantastic gastronomic offering and inspire travel industry partners and guests.”

Based on simple hearty ingredients, Basque cuisine has a broad variety thanks to the region’s blend of cultures, combined with its proximity to mountains and the sea. It takes in fresh seafood, cured meats and vegetables from the area’s fertile valleys.

Of the chefs present on the night, Andoni Luis Aduriz’s Mugaritz restaurant in Errenteria was placed fifth in The World’s 50 Best Restaurant Awards 2010, while Martin Berasategui’s eponymous restaurant near San Sebastian came in 33rd.

Click here to see photos from the event.

Tuesday 1 June 2010

CocoRosie: Live

Originally published in The Independent on 18 May 2006


If a live musical experience can ever evoke the spirit of a particular joke, then a CocoRosie gig is that experience and "The Aristocrats"is the joke.

Points of comparison: the joke is based around a "family act" going to see a talent agent.

CocoRosie are two sisters, Sierra and Bianca Casady, who garnered their name from the nicknames "Coco" and "Rosie", given to them by their mother.

The content of the joke is a description of the family's, shall we say, unconventional sexual activities, which struts way beyond the boundaries of accepted taste and joke-telling. CocoRosie push the electro and folk envelopes so far that they end up with an amalgam of sounds that seems to uncontrollably veer between the rehearsed and the off-the-cuff, the beautiful and the chaotic, carving its own niche in the musical map.

The joke involves a cast of extended family coming on and off the stage. CocoRosie's on-stage coterie varies in number between two and eight, utilising a vast number of instruments, as well as children's toys and a videowall showing images of the CocoRosie girls in geisha masks.

As is evident from the above, both "The Aristocrats" and CocoRosie are an acquired taste, and while CocoRosie are unlikely to cause as much offence as the extremely filthy joke, if you like your pop music regular you'll probably want to steer yourself away from them.

Put simply, this is Beth Orton fed through a blender, the instruments and vocals slipping out of sync, topped with slices of beat-boxing, rapping and opera (Sierra studied opera at the Paris Conservatoire), and eaten cold.

Surprisingly for a group whose recordings reek of melancholy and sedation, the cast of eight (one of whom looked like a grown-up Oliver Twist still wearing his childhood clothes and who towards the end of the show began hammering the back of his violin with his bow) perform like a manic Gypsy band: dancing with one another, swapping instruments, lying on the floor and jumping into one another's arms triumphantly at the end.

Re-workings, rather than renditions, of various songs from the La Maison de Mon Reve and Noah's Ark albums, as well as a few slightly more upbeat new tracks and four lines of Whitney Houston's "I Wanna Dance with Somebody", are rolled out. Most notably the elegiac "Good Friday" is transformed into a 10- minute hip-hop jam, while "Beautiful Boyz" (which features Antony Hegarty of Antony and the Johnsons on the album version) is developed through a series of rolling arias into a truly dramatic crescendo.


What CocoRosie are, I don't really know, but they have a visceral attraction that is quite irresistible. As the talent agent says at the end of "The Aristocrats", they're "one hell of an act".

How will the African Nations Cup influence the title race?

Originally published on Sport.co.uk in November 2009



The African Nations Cup comes around every two years, but why?

Is it just to annoy the all-powerful Lord of football that is the FA Premier League, or is it because, like every other continent, Africa deserves its own championships?

Well, yes, it’s the latter, but in between BBC football folk's parroted clichés about the ANC providing a shop window for raw emerging talent, we can also hear the whines and moans of Premiership managers who don’t want their prized possessions taken away for three weeks to compete for the continent’s greatest honour.

Where’s it at this year?


This year’s ANC will take place in Angola from the 10th to 31st of January, with the group stages ending on the 21st.

All the usual big guns are involved – Egypt, Tunisia, Cameroon, Nigeria, Ivory Coast, Ghana and Mali – while a few names are yet to be confirmed as the final qualifying games take place on the 14th of November.

The draw for the ANC will happen in the Angolan capital, Luanda, on the 20th of November. It’s a day that matters a lot for some Premiership managers. They already know that some of their star players will miss two games, but if their players end up in an easy group,they could well be away for four.

Who’ll be going?


Manchester United have precisely no players who will be off to Angola, so Sir Alex will instead by able to concentrate on blaming referees for any misfortunes his team might stumble upon.

Chelsea will be hardest hit, with Michael Essien (Ghana), Didier Drogba (Ivory Coast), Salomon Kalou (Ivory Coast) and John Obi Mikel (Nigeria) all packing their bags.

Arsenal and Manchester City will take the next heaviest blows. The Gunners will be without Emmanuel Eboué (Ivory Coast) and Alexandre Song (Cameroon), while City could lose a couple of former-Gunners.

Kolo Touré (Ivory Coast) is definitely going to Angola, but Emmanuel Adebayor (Togo) might not be. Togo play Gabon on the 14th of November in a game they need to win in order to guarantee qualification, although they could lose and still qualify if Cameroon beat Morocco.

If however Morocco qualify by beating Cameroon and hoping Togo lose, Liverpool’s Nabil El Zhar will be booking his ticket to Angola. If they don’t qualify, Liverpool won’t have any players in Africa come January.

Though they won’t be winning the league come May, Tottenham still have their eyes on the top four. Their intentions may be somewhat affected though by Sébastien Bassong and Benoît Assou-Ekotto jetting out of town to hook up with their pals from Cameroon.

What are they going to miss in the Premier League?


Arguably the biggest Premier League fixture during the ANC is Arsenal vs Manchester United on the 30th of January, although Liverpool vs Tottenham on the 9th is also of some significance.

If Cameroon or Ivory Coast make it to the final Arsenal will be marginally weakened by the absence of Song or Eboué. Arsène Wenger would rather have them both available, and would certainly like to have Song available, but his squad is good enough to live without them both.

Being without Essien would decimate a lot of team’s midfields, but Chelsea have the depth to cope, with Lampard, Ballack, Joe Cole, Deco, Malouda and Zhirkov all able to come in.

Where they’ll be most hurt is up front, with only two recognised strikers - Nicolas Anelka and Daniel Sturridge - available during the ANC.

In 2006 they lost 2-0 to Liverpool while Drogba was away and went on to miss out on the title by six points. No one can say the ANC cost them the league, but it might have played a small part in it.

Drogba’s importance to Chelsea was highlighted on his recent return to the Champions League with two goals against Atletico Madrid. With Chelsea’s transfer ban now suspended by the Court of Arbitration for Sport and this year’s title race looking like a tight one, Ancelloti may therefore want to think about picking up a striker in the January transfer window.

However, he has said he’s happy with his squad: “It's not necessary at the moment to take new players. I know we will lose four in January but if we maintain the players' fitness we can do a good period also without the African players.”

He might be right as they don’t have any massive fixtures to play during the ANC. First up is Hull away, then Sunderland away, before Birmingham at home and a trip to Burnley, who will themselves be weakened by the loss of André Bikey to the Cameroon squad.

Mark Hughes will certainly be hoping Togo blow it against Gabon so that his side don’t have to face Everton away without Adebayor. They also have the hardly tasty prospect of an away day in Stoke to cope with without Touré, which, considering their hardly exemplary away record against mid-table opposition, could easily make the Britannia Stadium the site of something of a upset.

So how will the African Nations Cup affect the title race?

Probably not that much. The only team really hit by it, Chelsea, have a more than adequate squad to manage without the four players they will lose. The absence of Mikel and Kalou is not going to upset anyone, and the only problem could arise with Drogba being away.

City could come a cropper depending on what happens to Togo, while Liverpool and Manchester United are barely affected.

Arsenal might stumble on trips to Aston Villa and Bolton or when Everton visit, but are no more likely to do so than they apparently would be anyway, considering their recent capitulation away at West Ham.

So when you hear the whines and moans of certain Premiership managers, you need not pity them. Instead you should drown them out by tuning into the inevitable sound of kettle drums and Ladysmith Black Mambazo on the BBC’s no doubt trite and parochial ANC coverage.


Monday 19 April 2010

The English

Originally published on 1001 Words and Counting in February 2009
Kolik jazyků znáš, tolikrát jsi člověkem.
You live a new life for every new language you speak.
If you know only one language, you live only once.
(Czech proverb)
For many people around the world, their quest to learn English is one of the main things that spurs them on in life. Be it to get a better job, to be able to communicate when abroad, to be able to read more sites on the internet or just to pass the time, English is without doubt a worldwide phenomenon.
Yet foreigners’ passion for English is far from reflected in the fat, lazy, drunken mouths of the English themselves. Not only are English people who can speak a foreign language in the minority, but the number of English people who can speak their own language properly is also declining.
First and foremost is definitely spelling, or as most English people would write “definately” spelling. In reality, the situation is much worse than the odd mistake with a vowel here and there. Just take a look at this 11-year old’s exam answer, published in The Times newspaper:
“If he wasent doing enthing els heel help his uncle Herry at the funfair during the day. And had stoody at nigh on other thing he did was invent new rides.”
Furthermore this problem is not just confined to youngsters. Ken Smith, senior lecturer at Buckinghamshire New University, is confronted by so many spelling mistakes that he thinks we should “simply give everyone a break and accept these variant spellings”.
Yet it’s this kind of defeatist attitude that leaves England (and Britain as a whole) lagging behind the rest of Europe in terms of uptake of foreign languages. As George Orwell wrote in his landmark essay “Politics and the English Language”:
“An effect can become a cause, reinforcing the original cause and producing the same effect in an intensified form, and so on indefinitely. A man may take to drink because he feels himself to be a failure, and then fail all the more completely because he drinks.”
Shockingly, Britain is the only place in Europe where it is not compulsory to study a foreign language in school. And while in most countries students learn foreign languages from the age of seven to 18, in Britain they only study from 11 to 16, if at all.
The European Commission sees foreign language skills as being “among the key competences for lifelong learning”, and its Barcelona objective has set out the aim of enabling European citizens to communicate in two languages in addition to their mother tongue.
While the Czech Republic and Italy have introduced reforms and now comply with this goal, Britain shows no sign of following suit. Recent figures from Eurydice, the information network on education in Europe, show that British students spend by far the least amount of time spent on learning foreign languages in Europe. The network’s “Key Data on Teaching Languages at school in Europe” shows that Britain is also one of the few places where figures haven’t increased on 1994 levels.
In Portugal, where compulsory language learning begins in the first or second year of primary education, British music and subtitled British TV abound. This kind of exposure breeds an enthusiasm for English that the English themselves are incapable of developing, at least en masse, for another language or culture.
Foreign language films and music are virtual non-entities on British TV and radio, where the only dishes on the menu are British or American. The BBC do still air some foreign films and music, but these are on non-mainstream TV channels and radio stations at times when most people are in bed.
This lack of access to foreign languages only augments the problem the British have with learning foreign tongues. As a recent EU report on multilingualism stated: “The media can…be a great source of informal language learning through ‘edutainment’ and subtitled films.”
But why should the English care about learning foreign languages? 90% of all European pupils study English at some point, so if everyone else can speak English, why not let them?
To be brazenly practical, according to a report published by the Commission of the European Communities earlier this year a shortage of foreign language skills can drastically affect a country’s economy:
“11% of exporting EU SMEs [small and medium enterprises] may be losing business because of language barriers. Although English has a leading role as the business language of the world, it is other languages that will provide EU companies with a competitive edge and allow them to conquer new markets.”
So England is digging itself further into the economic hole that it current finds itself in, with the Euro and the Pound rapidly approaching an equal value.
To be less practical, I have only to refer to the proverb at the start of this article.
“If you know only one language, you live only once.”
Until three years ago I spoke only English and a smattering of French. Since then I have lived in Poland, Russia and now Portugal and learnt to speak the languages of these countries to varying degrees.
As a result I have discovered that the ability to speak another language, even if cack-handedly, can open doors both literal and mental. Languages have made me new friends, taken me to places I wouldn’t otherwise have been able to get to (most memorably the site of a former Gulag) and allowed me to read things in other languages and, to some extent, experience that culture’s way of thinking.
Yet this is not just a personal experience, as there exists a phenomenon known as “frame shifting”, according to which people are said to switch between different ways of interpreting events and feelings according to the language it is spoken in. New Scientist magazine recently reported on a US study of bilingual Hispanic women which found that women who were actively involved in both English and Spanish speaking cultures interpreted the same TV advertisements differently, depending on whether they were shown in English or Spanish.
Joanna Moszczynska, a University of Warsaw student currently studying in Lisbon as part of the ERASMUS programme, speaks five languages and agrees with the theory of frame shifting: “Some languages are richer in expressing certain feelings, others have more words to describe certain objects or phenomena. Thus we can develop to a certain point a different personality. Languages like Portuguese, Spanish or Italian are very melodic and vivid, and foreigners who learn those languages often copy the native speakers in their behaviour and modes of expression.”
Nelson Mandela expressed another aspect of frame-shifting when he said: “If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart.”
But translator and English teacher Annabel Browne says that knowing another language isn’t enough. According to her it’s essential to have an insight into a country’s culture in order to fully understand its language: “Lots of things are lost in translation. It isn't just what they say it is how they say it and why. Lots of things are cultural and not just words.
“When you speak a foreign language, rather than everything being translated back into your own language, which means making things English or viewing things from an English point of view, you can see directly into their way of thinking through their words and expressions and cultural references.”
A concrete example she gives is that while for English people “jealousy” is a negative word and concept, Italians view it otherwise. For them, being jealous of friends or family is a way of expressing how proud they are of them.
So is the Czech proverb true? If you know only one language do you really only live once?
According to Browne the answer is yes: “When I speak Italian I am much more assertive and aggressive, much more outspoken and blunt. I feel when I speak Italian I don't have to be polite and British.”
So why don’t the English grab this chance of a second life? Well, the good news is that maybe they are slowly realising that they should…with the help of Polish women.
Moszczynka, herself a Pole, says: “Knowledge of foreign languages has exposed me to experiences I may never otherwise have had and has helped me to explore things unavailable in my native language.” It seems that many British men, as is their wont, are taking this to a very literal level, using the Polish language to expose themselves to and explore Polish women!
At least this is something that the organisers of a new Polish language course in Cardiff, Wales found out when they experienced a huge demand for their course from men who wanted to learn the language of their new Polish girlfriends.
Around a million Polish citizens have arrived in the UK since 2004 and maybe they have shed light on something that the British Government should consider before the European Commission carries out its review of multilingualism in member states in 2012. The only way to a fat, lazy, drunken English man’s head is through his pants.

Top Ten: Funny Footballer Comments

Originally published on Sport.co.uk on 08/10/09

Frequent geniuses on the pitch, generally renowned idiots off it, suffice to say footballers can still come up with some memorable comments whether they are aware of it or not. Sport.co.uk's Ian Shine runs down the Top Ten: Funny Footballer Comments
1. “I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George [Ndah] had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing.”
Ade Akinbiyi is hardly known for his incisive play, or his awareness of things such as team mates, opposition defenders or the backs of nets. The above quote perhaps explains why.
God only knows what he thinks when he sees fans wearing replica shirts in the crowd? “They’re in good positions. Maybe I’ll pass to them.”
Or what goes through his mind when a defender dispossesses him? “I should send him a ‘Congratulations’ card?”
Or what he thinks when he bags one of his all too rare goals? “I should have set the video for that, even though it’s not on TV and I don’t have a video player.
Welcome to the magical world of Ade Akinbiyi.
2. “I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.”
Footballers are seen by the majority of people as being quite a thick bunch, and Mark Viduka did nothing to counter such generalisations with this comment.
He came out with it while at Leeds, whose 21 losses in the 2003-04 season were enough to see them relegated to the Championship.
If only they’d lost a few more, things could have been so different, hey Mark?
But in fairness to Mark, he’s not the only footballer to have made a mathematical gaff. Ruud Gullit once said: "We must have had 99 per cent of the match. It was the other three per cent that cost us."
3. “I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.”
Footballers are hardly picking up A-grades in their geography classes to make up for their mathematical Fs.
Ian Rush has given two excuses for the above comment:
It was a joke that Kenny Dalglish made up.
I never said it.
Either way Rush managed only eight goals in 29 games at Juventus and set a precedent for British players having a bad time abroad.
That still didn’t stop one-time Villa player Mark Draper longing for a move abroad though. “I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona,” he said.
4. "I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester."
Stan Collymore’s comment showed how grateful he was to then-Leicester boss Martin O’Neill for salvaging his career after a spell of clinical depression.
Collymore had rekindled his footballing reputation by scoring five goals in eleven games for Leicester, but after he got what he didn’t want, apparently a transfer away from Leicester, his career had only 10 more professional games left in it.
His crystal clear comments and analysis of footballing events are now broadcast on talkSPORT.
5. “Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.”
Ian Wright quit BBC punditry after saying he was forced to become a “comedy jester". If that’s the case Alan Hansen and Gary Lineker can take the blame for the above comment after Beckham’s sending off against Argentina in 1998.
Wright came out with another truth-laden nugget when he was linked with the England manager’s job after Kevin Keegan’s departure: "I've got the passion but no idea of tactics,” he said. “I'd be like a black Kevin Keegan.”
6. “There's no in between - you're either good or bad. We were in between.”
The brilliant Gary Lineker, now charged by the BBC to present seemingly all of their sports programmes, whether it be their Sports Personality of the Year, Golf…oh, except that annoying Jake Humphreys gets the Formula One, and the chubby, jovial guy from the One Show gets to do Match of the Day 2.
7. “One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.”
Well Alan Shearer, we sure can’t.We see you on Match of the Day and we saw your work as manager of Newcastle United. Five points in eight games at the Toon your best…or was it?
Still, you love Newcastle, we know that: “I've never wanted to leave,” you once said. “I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well.” Are you there now Alan? Doing your best as usual Alan? They’ve got 24 points from 11 games without you Alan.
8. "I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
Clichés, truisms and idioms have been scientifically proven to compose 86% of the average footballer’s vocabulary.*
The insides of their heads have also been proven to be made up of the components of leftover washing machines.**
Consequently everything gets a bit mixed up and people like Stuart Pearce make comments about carrots and tunnels; people like ex-Spurs man Mitchell Thomas say: “All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed,” and people like Gazza say: “It was a big relief off my shoulder.”
* Possible margin of error of up to 86%
** Subject to confirmation.
9. “My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about seven.”
Arguably the most famous footballer and maybe the most famous father in the world, David Beckham has had a few spats with his own father in his time.
Ted Beckham’s book, David Beckham: My Son, not only has an intelligent title, but also tells us of Becks’ parents’ worries that Victoria might ruin young Dave’s football career.
It doesn’t say anything about them leaving Dave to roam the wild, hunt for food and wash his own clothes in a stream for the first seven years of his life though. At least not in the first 50 pages.
10. Reporter to Newcastle's Shola Ameobi: “Do you have a nickname?”
Ameobi: “No, not really.Reporter: “So what does Bobby Robson call you?”Ameobi: “Carl Cort.”
Amnesiac tendencies were one of the things that made Sir Bobby Robson such an endearing character.
He was like your granddad, sitting there babbling slightly incoherently, but he was unlike your granddad in that he got England to a World Cup semi-final.
He was like your granddad in that he’d call people by the wrong name, but they’d forgive him because he was an all-round legend.
He was like your granddad in that he’d always remember the name of his favourite grandkid and repeat it endlessly: “What can I say about Peter Shilton? Peter Shilton is Peter Shilton, and he has been Peter Shilton since the year dot.”

Thursday 25 March 2010

Socrates versus NaNoWriMo

Originally published on The Thing Is... in January 2009

Writing, like anything else, is a craft. So, let us pick a craft at random, oooh, blacksmithing.


Not being a blacksmith or even a trainee blacksmith I, unsurprisingly, know very little about blacksmithing.

However, Wikipedia knows a fair bit, so let’s take some time to learn something about it:

“A blacksmith is a person who creates objects from iron or steel by forging the metal; i.e., by using tools to hammer, bend, cut, and otherwise shape it in its non-liquid form.”

Hmm, sounds complicated, and I bet you couldn’t do it without practising for a good year or so first. Maybe you could turn out a rudimentary weapon, like a big club, if you were to just pick up the tools now and go for it, but no-one would be interested in buying it, because it would be a truly terrible club. And really, no-one would give a toss that you’d even bothered to try, apart from the blacksmith whose tools you would have ruined in your ridiculous and haughty attempt to perform a job you know nothing about.

So, in a dashing Socratic application of logic I will now ask you why, if writing is also a craft, people think they can be masters of it without putting in any time or effort?

This simple answer is because they are fools.

The biggest expression of this foolishness used to be in the “slogan” (I don’t want to grace it with the title “proverb” or “maxim”) that “everyone has a novel in them”. But not anymore.

National Novel Writing Month, or as it prefers to be called NaNoWriMo – an appropriate abbreviation considering that its raison d'être is to dissuade people from wasting time by writing things properly – is, in its own words:

“A fun, seat-of-your-pants approach to novel writing. Participants begin writing November 1. The goal is to write a 175-page (50,000-word) novel by midnight, November 30. Valuing enthusiasm and perseverance over painstaking craft, NaNoWriMo is a novel-writing program for everyone who has thought fleetingly about writing a novel but has been scared away by the time and effort involved. You will be writing a lot of crap. And that's a good thing”

Hmm. A lot of crap. A good thing? Let’s get all Socratic again and apply the NaNoWriMo ethos to say, cooking.

Ok, so this is a literal seat-of-your-pants approach to cooking called Cooking Properly Is So Stupid, or CokPISS for short.

“The goal of CokPISS is to prepare a meal in under one minute. Valuing nothing that any decent chef would deem worthwhile, participants are encouraged to just chuck as much food as they can find in a container and then microwave it all for a minute. You will develop dysentery and produce a lot of crap afterwards, but that’s a good thing.”

Now, I’ve never had dysentery, but I hardly think it’s a good thing. And if you disagree, try telling that to the Members of the Human Rights Defenders and Promoters network who travelled to Burma (Myanmar) in June 2008 to try to stop an outbreak of the disease in the towns of Labutta and Bogalay.

All in all, crap is bad. So why does NaNoWriMo encourage its production?

It seems to me that NaNoWriMo is a product of the times we live in and a reflection of our waning insistence on quality. From the “I want it now” attitude that emanated from fast food to the instant success stories of X-Factor , via blogging, the proliferation of information on the internet and even Strictly Come Dancing’s insinuations that a skill can be mastered in weeks, we are being led a merry dance by institutions who wish to convince us that we not only have the aptitude to be, but deserve to be instant stars.

Shirley Dent, Communications Director for the Institute of Ideas and a Guardian columnist, takes this notion a step further: “What we are dealing with here is…a cultural milieu that promotes a childish, indulgent idea of self-expression, where it doesn't matter what it is you are saying, or if you have any talent at all as a writer, as long as you are expressing yourself. This has less to do with personality foibles and more to do with what society values about literature and culture.”

Dent goes on to call NaNoWriMo “the hideous aesthetic spawn of cultural relativism and a culture of self-esteem, where criticism is frowned upon,” and in doing so she strikes upon one of the same themes as the NaNoWriMo advocate Jeff Printy, aka Dr Wicked.

Wicked, creator of the internet writing tool “Write or Die,” claims that: “Writing Does Not Have To Be Hard [sic],” although punctuating a sentence correctly apparently is. “The creature inside you that makes it hard is not the Creator, it is the Critic, holding you back and telling you it's not good enough.”

The Creator and the Critic, eh? Tell us more Wicked.

“If you had the apparatus to look inside the head of any creative person you would find twin beasts; we will call these the Creator and the Critic. The problem occurs when the Creator sits down to create; the Critic cannot differentiate between the process and the product and therefore begins to make loud comments about how horrible this creation is and how it could be so much better.”

Towards this end Wicked created the aforementioned “Write or Die”, which unfortunately doesn’t quite follow through on its promise of annihilating its users. Instead the repressed geniuses log on to the webpage, set either a word count or a time limit and a way of being punished whenever his or her prodigious talent pauses for breath.

Yet Jean Hannah Edelstein, a freelance journalist who writes for Bad Idea magazine, disagrees with Wicked’s distaste for the Critic: “I think that the best writers are the most mature ones in that they are able to look at their own work with a criticial eye, accept outside criticism, and regard their work as a job rather than some kind of ethereal calling.”

Something that can actually make you die is smoking, which the prize-winning novelist James Kelman has acknowledged in his work on numerous occasions. Furthermore, according to Kelman: “As with writing, smoking can be an enjoyable solitary pursuit.”

It is the value of the “solitary” aspect of writing that seems to have gone astray among the NaNoWriMo-philes of this world, as Wicked concedes: “Ask just about anyone who is participating about their favourite aspect of NaNoWriMo and they will say the community, the people that they meet through the forums and the write-ins.”

Yet it is the idea of writing as a primarily solitary act that needs to be brought back to the fore, as Dent recognises: “With writing, there is great confusion - it has come to be seen as expression rather than art, and that anyone and everyone can do it.

“We have devalued what literature is by not arguing for the very best literature, and for the excellence of some literature in comparison with the rest.”

Yet for the Wickeds of this world literature is a mass event that everyone can take part in: “I think everyone dreams of becoming an Author [sic] because it is the one thing that every literate person is capable of doing.”

But what might Socrates have said to this? “Are all numerate persons capable of expounding on discrete mathematics? Are all swimmers capable of swimming in the Olympics? Are all cars capable of competing on the Formula One circuit simply because they have four wheels?”

As Edelstein comments: “We all have a book in us to the extent that we all have a life story which could ostensibly be written down, but very few people have the capability to write a book that is actually of interest to anyone besides them and possibly their mother (although it could be that she is just trying to be nice).

“This only becomes a problem when people become fixated upon the possibility of getting published because they perceive it to be the only way in which their hobby will be validated. Sometimes you may have to concede that you are not meant to be a famous writer but rather someone who writes for his or her own personal pleasure.”

Tragically, the number of NaNoWriMo participants has increased year-on-year since its inception in 1999, and there’s a good chance that way more than the 101,510 people who entered in 2007 are fixated upon dragging the good name of the novel further through the gutter before they desist.

Wednesday 24 March 2010

The worst Premiership managers of all time

Originally published on 90minutesonline on 27/12/08

Iain Dowie
Dowie may be one of the few premiership managers who can claim to have made a genuine contribution to the English language.
His use of “bouncebackability” to describe his Crystal Palace team led to the word’s inclusion in the Collins dictionary in 2005 with the definition: “The ability of a person or team to bounce back, that is, to return to good form after a period of not performing well.”
Unluckily for Dowie his etymological prowess failed to translate into Premiership management prowess as he led Palace to relegation via seven wins in 38 games.
Charlton foolishly let him return to the Premiership in 2006, and even more foolishly gave him more money than they’d ever given any manager in their history.
He promptly pissed £4m of it away on Djimi Traore and went on to be sacked after managing only two wins in 12 Premiership games.
The Addicks went on to appoint the marginally better Alan Pardew, but Dowie had already done enough to propel a solid mid-table team towards the end of their seven-year spell in the top flight.
Steve Wigley
Booted out the door at Southampton after only one win in 14 games, Wigley was just one of Rupert Lowe’s many masterstrokes as Saints chairman.
Wigley was put in temporary charge of the club after Gordon Strachan’s departure in 2004, yet his discomfort in the position became evident so quickly that Paul Sturrock was ushered in to replace him after only two games.
Sturrock went on to last just 13 games before Wigley was pushed back into the hot seat, some say against his will.
He has since been appointed head coach at Bolton by Gary Megson, a move which was against the wills of some of the Bolton faithful, as the ever-brilliant forum on boltonbanter.com revealed:
“I think he's just w**k and his record would prove as much. But then again who the fuck wants to work with Gary Megson other than somebody on the dole?”
Wigley is just one in a long line of coaches who haven’t been able to cut it as managers. And while the likes of Brian Kidd and Sammy Lee stake strong claims to be included in this collection of the Premiership’s worst, there's someone else out there who saves them from such infamy.
Egil Olsen
A man who started his managerial career at a team called Frigg and now finds himself at the reigns of Iraq’s national team is clearly one for wacky choices. His vigil at Wimbledon proved just that, as he put his notorious football philosophy into place to send the Dons crashing out of the Premiership in 2000.
Olsen’s scientific approach to football has made him somewhat obsessed with what players do away from the ball, so much so that he asked his players to be "å være best uten ball", which literally translates as "to be best without the ball".
Unfortunately for him this approach led to the Dons losing eight games in a row and him being sacked.
His final contribution to the Wimbledon cause was a 3-0 mauling by Bradford. The Dons went on to be relegated in 18th place while Bradford finished three points above them in 17th.

Tuesday 23 March 2010

How to… write a football chant

Originally published on 90minutesonline on 12/02/09

What’s football without a good sing song? Absolutely nothing.
According to the media, footballers live like kings, cashing salary cheques the size of Neville Southall’s gut. But the real kings of the football ground are the terrace overlords who write the anthems that echo off the advertising hoardings like hymns off cathedral walls.
Now why should you sit there like a pauper when you know you’ve got blue blood coursing through your veins? Don’t you deserve to hear the home faithful repeating your every word as they beat each other senseless to touch the hem of your away shirt and scramble around your feet for the flakey manna from your pasty?
Of course you do.
Well, it’s a good job for you that having studied the excellent fanchants.com and attained a BA (Hons) in chanting from The Open University, I am suitably equipped to provide you with a simple guide to writing your own football chant, isn’t it?
1. Include plenty of repetition
The last thing a bunch of pissed up fat guys on a Saturday want to do is use their brains, so make your chant as repetitive as possible. This Derby County chant is almost as close to repetitive perfection as is humanly possible, although in Heaven’s football matches against Hell, they apparently have chants consisting of only two words:
Could be worse,
We could be Leeds,
Could be worse,
We could be Leeds…
Did you know? Repetition has actually been clinically proven to reduce your IQ.
2. A simple rhyme is not only necessary but compulsory
Forget all those Nobel Prize winning poets with their half-rhyme, free verse and even terza rima. What we want is a straight AABB rhyme scheme, or even AAAA, as the Walsall massive demonstrate to deadly effect:
Fight, fight, whoever you may be,
Because we are the boys from the black country.
And we will fight you all, whoever you may be,
Because we are the boys from the black country…
3. Use words that aren’t actually words
If you can’t find a word to rhyme with useless, substitute or wanker, then just invent one. Or, if you’re a Middlesbrough fan and don’t know any words at all, just invent loads of little words and stick them all together. Southgate’s boys always feel inspired when they hear this piece, entitled Pigbag, at three o’clock on a Saturday:
De de de de,
de de de der,
De de de de,
de de de der,
De de de de,
de de de der,
De de de de,
de de de der...
4. Tell a story
While every bestseller has a page-turning plot, only about 52.67% of chants have one. If you choose to incorporate one into your chant, make sure it has a sting in the tail and has at least two characters in it that we can empathise with. Both techniques are exhibited in this Manchester United number:
I saw my mate the other day,
He said to me he saw the white Pele,
So I asked, who is he?
He goes by the name of Wayne Rooney,
Wayne Rooney, Wayne Rooney,
He goes by the name of Wayne Rooney.
5. Harness the power of animosity
There’s no easier way to rile up the terrace monkeys than by playing to their bigoted views. Barnsley do it like this:
Stand up if you hate Wednesday,
Stand up if you hate Wednesday...
Whereas Liverpool do it like this:
F*ck Off Chelsea FC,
You ain't got no history,
Five European Cup's and 18 leagues,
That's what we call history...
6. Or just say something totally random
If you’re too stupid to follow the five piss-easy steps above, then this sixth step is for you, if you’ve figured out how to scroll down this far.
Don’t worry that you’ve got nothing to say because you never went to school and lost most of your brain cells when someone drove a forklift truck over your skull as a practical joke. Just say the first thing that comes into your head. That’s what the Wolves fans do, to the tune of “Always look on the bright side of life” no less:
Always s**t on a Tesco carrier bag,
Always s**t on a Tesco carrier bag…
I hope that helps with your quest for glory and that it’ll soon be your inane patter that we hear coming through the TV microphones.

Monday 22 March 2010

Political Websites: Labour

As the shadow of the general election looms the political parties are manoeuvring themselves into position, both in the real world and online. Fingertips’ Ian Shine takes a look at what the different parties’ websites tell us about them. This week, Labour fall under the microscope


The Labour Party’s website hits us on entry with the “A future fair for all” slogan as it attempts to set out its election campaign stall from the off.

In this respect it’s streets ahead of the Tories’ sprawling homepage, which scrolls down for an eternity and features little to tell us about the defining features of the party.

The Labour homepage is short, graphically professional and displays a good use of the colour wheel to draw in browsers’ clicks.

Blue: NHS staff for Labour.

Dark green: Parents for Labour.

Weird pink: Teachers for Labour.

Yellow: Pensioners for Labour.

Light green: Students for Labour.

Claret: Business for Labour.

It’s all very coherent and easy to navigate, and all serves to back up their slogan that a fair future exists for all of us.

A touch of genius

Once you click on one of these coloured options the main body of the homepage scrolls across to give a preview of what Labour does in these areas, in the words of a Labour supporter. The touch of genius is that it keeps you on the homepage, rather than making you impatient and getting you lost by leading you to another part of it.

Even when you click on the “Hear more from teachers/students, etc…” link, you remain on the homepage as the text comes to you, rather than you having to go to it.

There’s a big emphasis on people on the site, with quotes from the general public plastered all over the place. It might seem a little bit self-serving and repetitive, but: i) if you don’t serve yourself in politics, no one else will; ii) this repetition hammers home the fact that Labour has a guiding aim that it is following and genuinely believes in.

Just compare it with a click on the Conservatives' site. It’s hard to even tell at first glance that this is the site of a political party. It could as easily be a news website as it gives prominence to stories (today at least) on Charlie Whelan’s “new militant tendency” and “Boosting the Economy with Technology”.

If the Tory site says one thing about the party it is that it has no overriding vision or direction.
If the Labour site says one thing about the party it is that it knows what it wants (or at least what its campaign will focus on) and it is going after it, with public support.

What else?

The only other things on the homepage are a “Donate” button, links to Facebook and Twitter, and five arrows that effectively use the same colours as before: claret; blue; weird pink; dark green; light green.

These lead to the other key areas of Labour’s upcoming campaign: economic recovery; health; education; “standing up for the many” and jobs.

These arrows again lead to nice, brief, focused pages that get across Labour’s message in around 250 words, while keeping the aforementioned arrows down the left of the page to allow for easy navigation around the site.

Each section also invites comments from readers, thus furthering the image that this is a party for all, and one that is interested in what we all have to say.

Flawless?

Yes, this is a political party’s website, so you can’t believe everything that you see on it, but in terms of the image it presents it is a rounded one that is much more accessible and understandable to most people than the one pushed by the Tory’s website.

It’s about as close to flawless as I could imagine a party’s website to be, but maybe next week’s visit to the Liberal Democrats’ site will prove me wrong.

Sunday 21 March 2010

The Northern Clemency by Philip Hensher

Originally published on A Walk Through Books on 02/01/09
In a nod to the nineteenth-century narrative tradition that it seems to have been plucked from, Hensher’s latest novel can be dubbed both a tale of two cities and, for this reader at least, a tale of two books.

A book laden with dust-jacket claims heavy enough to sink a battleship - a “condition-of-England” novel, a “condition-of-humanity” novel, “reminiscent of the great nineteenth-century Russian novels” - it bored with kitchen-sink details for 300 pages before setting off on an engrossing ride through 20 years of English history. Politically centred about the 80s miners’ strike in Sheffield, it also examines the bloating of the middle-classes and the death of 70s-born radicalism.


It’s also a book rooted heavily in the everyday, as Hensher dissects the progression of familial relationships as children grow into adults and parents seep into old age, and he does so expertly. The dialogue is never anything other than thoroughly readable and painstakingly believable, and this is something that Hensher clearly prided himself on in his writing of the novel, having said in an interview with Safraz Manzoor for a Guardian Podcast: “I always find it absolutely incredible when I read most novels set in the 1970s that people pay so little attention to the way people expressed themselves.”


And although the first 300 pages tire somewhat with their seeming lack of direction, the following 450 pages provide a justification for the author’s whopping introduction. It is the first 300 pages that set up the minor tensions that Hensher manipulates and exploits in a way that make the second-half’s revelations so engrossing and, more importantly, convincing.

I’ve already mentioned the kitchen-sink, and Hensher draws heavily on spirit of the kitchen-sink dramas of Ken Loach in weighing out the balance of the political and the personal in this extremely weighty tome.

In the same interview with Manzoor mentioned earlier, Hensher refuted Manzoor’s observation that “some people have said that there isn’t enough politics in [the book]” by saying “I think it’s constantly political.” And it is in the way that the north-south divide is political, in the way that the change of polytechnics into universities was political, in the way that having an affair with your boss or turning an old warehouse into a restaurant is political, in the way that, really, everything is political if you want it to be.

The novel encapsulates all of the aforementioned events, and it is really more of a politically-subtle piece than anything, as Hensher is well-aware:

“My starting point was to evoke the domestic texture of life…to focus on small events…the miniature features of people’s lives, and to extrapolate a sort of political implication from those.”
And this is where a large part of the book’s charm lies. Who would want to read a 750 page novel of overt political soap-boxing? And how would it be a novel if this is what it did?

What we have here is a novel that takes in and spits out the prominent political issues of the final 30 years of the 20th century, not a political textbook. And thank God for that, because if we had a textbook instead we’d be robbed of one of the memorable novels of the first ten years of the 21st century.

Friday 19 March 2010

Political Websites: The Conservatives

Originally published on General Election Blog on 08/03/10

As the shadow of the general election looms the political parties are jockeying for position, both in the real world and online. Fingertips’ Ian Shine takes a look at what the different parties’ websites tell us about them, beginning with the Conservatives…
When you log on to the Conservatives’ website you’re met with a raft of boxes floating in a sea of blue.
Not the dark blue that the Conservative party was associated with in the 80s, when they had some kind of stance on things and some concrete policies, but rather a washy light blue, the kind of blue that might be found on a child’s bedroom walls.
You’ll also see the Tories’ new logo, that little scribbly tree which looks a bit like something a child, maybe the one from the bedroom with the light blue walls, might have knocked up in art class.
It’s very friendly, a lot less aggressive than their old torch with blue and red flames, and reminds us that the Tories are a friendly bunch who likes trees.
After all that it’s time to explore some of the Tories’ boxes. The top part is quite newsy, with a big box on the left that changes to illustrate the latest Tory news headlines, which appear on the right.
Most of the time David Cameron is the man in the picture, although geeky Michael Gove gets a look in for a story on raising school standards, while a crimson Ken Clarke is the cover model for a story about Labour’s economic incompetence.
Trying to be simple
Scrolling down there are flashes of green to accompany the pale blue and underline the Tories’ environmental edge, but it all looks very amateur, like a GCSE student’s coursework project.
The Tories are clearly trying to be simple in order to get across to simple people, the kind of people who sit yelling in standard class trains while other people are trying to work according to Nicholas Winterton – the kind of people who don’t normally vote Tory.
They are also the kind of people who probably don’t have iPhones and thus won’t be able to take advantage of the Tories’ new iPhone application. And they probably don’t have the inclination to spend their hard-earned money in the site’s Online Shop: hard-earned money that according to the Tories they probably don’t have much of under Labour.
The shop plays on the party’s campaign slogan of “Vote for Change” and has the banner “Shop for Change”, although you won’t be getting much of that from a £20 note if you dare to venture inside.
There is a “Bye Bye Bureaucracy” poster for £10 and a mug emblazoned with “Tea For Change” – yes, we get it – for £6, and even a £14 Baby-grow (for all those teenage mums) with “Future Prime Minister” on the front.
Policy
The policy section is picture-heavy, probably to help those simple people who can’t read to click on the right section.
The countryside section has a picture of some fields, the transport section has a picture of a train. All very clear, although some confusion might arise from choosing a picture of the Houses of Parliament for the democracy section.
I plump for the potentially election-deciding economy section and am met with some unbearably small type alongside some pictures and videos of George Osbourne, none of which show him catching some rays on a Russian billionaire’s yacht.
This look at policy seems somewhat at odds with the rest of the site as it sprawls over almost 1,500 words, isn’t very colourful and is boring even to someone interested in politics.

What they should have done
A few weeks ago the Tories came up with six election pledges – more than a little like Tony Blair’s election-winning five pledges in 1997 – that were supposed to encapsulate what they were about in six short sentences:

• Act now on debt to get the economy moving
• Get Britain working by boosting enterprise
• Make Britain the most family-friendly country in Europe
• Back the NHS
• Raise standards in schools
• Change politics
However, I can’t find them on their website.
If the Tories want to convey a simple image to connect with simple people and get people voting for them who have never voted for them before, this should be their homepage.
It would enable anyone logging on even for a moment to see that they stand for something and to understand why they should consider voting Tory.
As it is their website projects an image of a party still under construction, far from 100% sure what it actually stands for and who it is trying to appeal to.
The homepage doesn’t really feel coherent, let alone the site as a whole, and it is not immediately striking even after an hour browsing the site what one would be voting for if one were to vote Conservative.
The Tories need to grasp the firm edges of their former torch and burn their vague scribbly tree of a website to the ground.

Saturday 27 February 2010

What the fans have to say: West Ham United

Originally published on 90minutesonline on 13/10/09

Icelandic owners, the Tevez and Mascherano affair and hooliganism have each blighted West Ham fans’ last few seasons.
The 2009/10 season hasn’t exactly started brilliantly either. The club sit in 19th with five points from seven games, but 90minutesonline found Graeme Howlett, editor of Knees Up Mother Brown, in fairly optimistic mood.
How happy are you with the season so far?
I’ve seen better. Two wins – against newly-promoted Wolves and League One Millwall (aet) - are all we have to show for the first two months of the season. That is our worst start since 2002/03, the season we were last relegated.
The parallels with 2002/03 are striking: a major lack of investment in the first team squad; a manager coming off the back of a good season (for Zola read Roeder); fans at war with the board. Hopefully the outcome won’t mirror that dreadful year.
What are you expecting from this season?
A battle in the lower half of the table until Christmas, but I’m hoping for a third consecutive top ten finish come May.
What are your greatest fears for this season?
Although our start has been poor, relegation shouldn’t be an issue as long as we can keep the majority of our thinner-than-ever squad fit.
The biggest fear however would be that we go into next season with the creditors of former owner Bjorgolfur Gudmundsson, CB Holding, still in control of the club. That way lies only doom.
Is Gianfranco Zola a good enough manager to keep you in the Premiership?
Absolutely. In Zola’s defence most would struggle with the hand he’s been left to play with. Fortunately we have the considerably experienced Steve Clarke ably assisting.
What do you make of the hooliganism at the Carling Cup game against Millwall? Was it inevitable considering the history between the clubs and the fact that they so rarely play each other, having only been in the same league in eight seasons since 1945? Should it have been played behind closed doors?
Nobody comes out of this well, but the Police and the authorities (FA, FL) have to take some responsibility for that night’s problems. It was the Police who insisted on Millwall’s ticket allocation being halved, a decision that led to 500 ticketless Millwall “supporters” being outside the ground.
The Met eventually let them in for nothing simply to get them off the streets. The FA had no objections to this at the time and only feigned concern once the media demanded a response.
For some reason we had less than 400 Police officers on duty that night. The last time the clubs met five or six years ago there were around 1,000 officers on duty, and that was for a Sunday lunchtime rather than a Tuesday evening fixture. You have to wonder why those decisions were made and for whose benefit.
Despite the media outrage there were only 14 arrests made on the night of the game – the very same number as those arrested during the Birmingham-Aston Villa derby a fortnight later, and considerably less than the number arrested at the 2009 Glastonbury music festival earlier this summer.
So it was all blown out of proportion?
Despite all the talk of “hooliganism” and “riots” the only video evidence of disturbances on the night showed a group of West Ham fans being hemmed in by Police outside the Queens pub and a handful of exuberant fans celebrating on the pitch following Junior Stanislas’ 87th minute equaliser. As far as I know not one single punch was shared between opposing supporters inside the ground.
Yes, there were one or two scuffles with stewards, which were unpleasant to witness, and the fans involved were booed by the majority of supporters at the game.
But on the whole it was blown massively out of proportion. No surprise there really though, with such easy targets as West Ham and Millwall.
I should perhaps point out that I am in no way condoning the actions of anyone involved in violent scenes. However this really needs to be seen for what it was, not for what the media – who, I’m sure are quite happy to take money from those wishing to advertise films such as Green Street and Football Factory – made it out to be.
[Indeed, When Saturday Comes reported in its October 2009 issue that Sky Sports News transmitted an advert for The Firm, a remake of a 1980s film about West Ham hooligans, during their coverage of the events at the West Ham-Millwall game].
Do films that portray West Ham gangs, such as Green Street and Cass, only stoke the fires and egg on suggestible fans, or do they serve a purpose as historical documents and deter fans from getting involved in hooliganism?
If someone has a desire to crack skulls they’re likely to do so without requiring a prompt from shoddy and inaccurate films like Green Street. In the same way video games don’t really make kids go out and shoot each other.
History informs us that young men have always had a penchant for fighting, so I’m not sure films have much sway in that.
Who’s your best player and why?
England’s number one, Rob Green. The finest goalkeeper we’ve had at United since Phil Parkes in the early 1980s.
And which player would you gladly see the back of? And why?
No players as such, although poor old Nigel Quashie is unlikely to be missed by many.
However, we’ll be holding a party when CB Holding and Straumur-Burdaras Bank finally do the decent thing and sell the club to someone who gives a toss. They don’t want us, and we certainly don’t want them.
If you could sign one player from another team in the Premier League, who would it be and why?
Assuming it is an unlimited budget, and given our current lack of options in attack, probably Fernando Torres or our old boy Jermain [Defoe] who has been banging them in up the road at Spurs.
I’m sure many of our number would welcome the return of a certain Carlos Alberto Tevez, who, in case you weren’t aware kept us up single-handedly in 2006/07. Well, according to Lord Griffiths [lawyer and head of the independent inquiry into the Tevez transfer. He ordered West Ham to compensate Sheffield United with £20m over five seasons in the light of West Ham’s Premier League survival and Sheffield United’s relegation].
What’s West Ham’s best terrace chant?
Well Bubbles is obviously synonymous with the club, but the Sign On song which we have reserved for Liverpool since the days of Boys From The Black Stuff always raises a smile.
Sung to the tune of You’ll Never Walk Alone, it goes:
“Sign on, sign on, With a pen, in your hand, ‘Cos you’ll never get a job, You’ll never get a job.”
What half-time snacks do you recommend at Upton Park?
Anything you manage to smuggle in with you! The balti pies will leave you with third degree burns.
What are your best and worst memories of supporting West Ham?
Sitting on my father’s shoulders after we beat Fulham to win the Cup in 1975 is a special memory, but more recently the play-off win against Preston at Cardiff and the FA Cup Final where we were seconds away from lifting the Cup in 2006 [against Liverpool].
We’d probably be here all night talking about the worst, but being told that Tevez was solely responsible for Sheffield United not accruing enough points over the course of a 38-game season to avoid relegation in 2006/07 was pretty hard to take.
If you could change one thing at West Ham, what would it be?
The owners.
Where are West Ham going to be in five years’ time?
Again we come back to who’s in charge. With CB Holding we’re in trouble long-term, make no bones about it. They have to go, and soon. With a David Gold [chairman of Birmingham City chairman], David Sullivan [chairman of Birmingham City plc, the club’s parent company] or equivalent then perhaps we can return to being regular challengers for a European slot. [David Sullivan has recently ruled himself out of buying West Ham when he sells his Birmingham City shares to Carson Yeung next week, saying he needs a break].